Dec 24

Dec 24 How To Quit Complaining - Part One

Hi, I'm Liz Moser, a Mayo Clinic and National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach.

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain - Maya Angelou.

How much time does the average person spend complaining? What do you think? Is it 10%, 30%? Are we complaining 50% of the time?

According to psychologist Scott Bea, PsyD, “The rate of complaints in American conversations ranges from 70 to 84 percent. Yet none of us likes to hang out with a complainer.”

Right? We don’t want to hang out with complainers, yet here we are, most likely part of the problem, complaining on average 75% of the time.

Complaining keeps us focused on the perceived current problem, blinding us to any possible solutions. It has been shown by research psychologists to be detrimental to a person's physical and emotional health, relationships and to limit career success.

On some level, we know we can't complain our way to health, happiness, and success, yet we keep complaining.

When we complain, we are declaring to one and all that we are powerless victims. Complaining is a way of ceding our power to bad weather or to our partner's inability to load the dishwasher how we see fit. At that moment, we can choose to shift our attitude, like Ms. Angelou suggested, and find joy while we walk in the rain or choose kind words to talk to our partner about the issue or opt to say nothing, remembering all the other thoughtful things, our partner does for us.

According to Will Bowen, author of A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Live the Life You Always Wanted, complaints are counterattacks for perceived injustices. There is negative energy being expressed with a complaint. Most complaints have a “This is unfair!” or “How dare this happen to me” quality. It’s as if the complainer feels attacked by the actions of someone or something and counterattacks with complaints.

Instead of complaining, opt for a statement of fact or a neutral comment intended to inform.

But hey, don’t we need to vent or express our anger? Sure, however, if venting our anger made us happier, wouldn't the biggest complainers also be the most optimistic people? And we know that’s not true!

And while we’re talking about complaining, let's not forget criticism, sarcasm, and gossip.

Criticism is a complaint wielded as a direct attack.

Sarcasm is passive-aggressive complaining. It’s a negative comment with a humorous escape hatch. (“Oh, I was just kidding! Mmm, no, you weren’t!”)

And gossip is speaking negatively about someone who is not present. What if we only said things about other people as if they could hear every word we said? Wouldn’t that be beautiful!

Will Bowen recommends challenging ourselves to give up complaining for 21 days. Why three weeks? Because he’s found that’s how long it takes for people to see the power of a complaint-free life and create a new, more positive habit. Bowen suggests wearing a rubber band or stretchy bracelet on your wrist. He sells a purple stretchy ‘no complaint’ bracelet on his website willbowen.com. But any elastic hair tie will work.

Bowen proposes wearing the bracelet on either wrist. You are now on Day 1 of your journey to twenty-one consecutive days. When (not if) you catch yourself complaining, criticizing, gossiping, or being sarcastic, move the bracelet to the other wrist and start again. You are back on Day 1. Stay with it. He says it typically takes four to eight months to reach twenty-one consecutive days.

Switch your bracelet with every spoken complaint. Some people try to make this more complicated than it should be by switching their bracelet with every negative thought. Your negative thoughts will lessen significantly over time, but move the bracelet only when you complain, criticize, gossip, or say something sarcastic aloud.

Lastly, Bowen suggests always knowing what day you are on. People who are serious about becoming Complaint Free always know "I'm on Day 1" or "I'm on Day 12." People who fail say things like, "I think I'm on Day 8, but I'm not sure." If you don’t know what day you’re on, you aren't as focused on this challenge as you need to be to succeed.

The opposite of complaining, criticism, sarcasm, and gossip is gratitude.

Gratitude is giving thanks for what we have, whereas complaining expresses dissatisfaction with what we do not have. Before we can genuinely know gratitude, we must first stop complaining. It’s a choice. It's about choosing to speak what you desire rather than complaining about the way things are.

I’m Liz Moser, a Mayo Clinic and National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and thank you for reading this blog on how to quit complaining. If you have any questions about this blog, about health and wellness, or wellness coaching with me, please reach out via my website at lizmosercoaching.com.