Dec 31

Dec 31 How To Quit Complaining - Part Two

Hi, I'm Liz Moser, a Mayo Clinic and National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach.

This video is part 2 in my complaining series. Last week’s video was an overview of how to quit complaining. Why it makes sense to let it go, and I challenged you to go 21 days without complaining, criticizing, being sarcastic or gossiping.

If you started, how’s the challenge going? I’m on my 8th day one! I’m a pretty darn positive and happy person, and I'm still finding this somewhat tricky. Therefore, if I’m struggling, maybe some of you are as well, so I felt a second video could be useful.

This week I want to dive a bit deeper into why we complain, what we get out of it, or the benefits of complaining. The benefits of complaining? Yes! We wouldn’t complain if we weren’t getting something out of it. So, I want to give you some specific strategies to help you quit and shift the conversation if you find yourself stuck with a complainer.

As Will Bowen explains in his book A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted, people complain for five reasons represented by the acronym GRIPE / G.R.I.P.E.

G = Get Attention
R = Remove Responsibility
I = Inspire Envy
P = Power
E = Excuse Poor Performance

1 – G = Get attention. Connection is a basic human need, and many people complain as a way to start a conversation. For instance, you could say to the stranger on the elevator, “Wow its hot outside! 5th day in a row with temps over 90! Translation: “please talk to me!”

To silence a Get Attention complaint, ask, “What’s going well with (whatever they’re complaining about)”? For example, if they’re griping about their job, keep asking,

“What’s going well with your job?” Or, “What do you like about where you work?

2 – R = Remove Responsibility. When given a task, people complain about the conditions surrounding the task to get off the hook. They intend to either get you to admit that the task is impossible or to prepare you for the fact that they are not going to do a good job. It’s excuse-making in advance of even attempting to do something.

For instance: “I don’t think I can fit that into my calendar. I’m so busy with all this extra work the boss keeps dumping on me. I’m overwhelmed as it is. It’s not fair.”

What they are thinking: “I’m not going to do what you’re asking. And I’m using my boss as an excuse.”

When someone complains to remove responsibility, they are building a case to prove that what is being asked of them is impossible. They are complaining to be let off the hook. With every complaint about the assigned task, keep asking,

“If it were possible, how might you do it?” Or sometimes, I’ll ask my clients, "If you had a magic wand, what would you create, or how would you fix the problem?”

3 – I = Inspire Envy or brag. We complain about people who are not like us to make ourselves seem superior by comparison. And, we complain about things and events as a way of impressing people with our high standards.

For instance: “You thought that was a good movie? You’ve got to be kidding. The acting was stiff, the story was weak, and the music did nothing to move the plot along."

What they’re saying is: “I know a lot about movies. You should admire me and let me tell you more.”

Someone complaining to inspire envy is wanting to be complimented and reassured. Therefore, praise them for the opposite of whatever they’re complaining about.

In the example above, you might say, "You seem to know a lot about movies; what's the coolest trend you've seen in films recently?”

4 - Power. There is strength in numbers. People complain to build alliances with others who agree with them to increase their power. Others will complain to get you on their side. Their complaints will seem legitimate but, if you look deeply, you'll see it's a ploy to gain power, and you're just another pawn they are trying to get on their side...

“Mom! Scott and Megan are playing, and they won't let me play. And, they're using your hammer, and you told us not to play with your tools."

In other words: “Mom, I feel left out. You’re bigger than all of us. Please make my brother and sister play with me.”

When someone complains to get you on their side and gain power over someone else, refuse to get involved. Put the problem right back in their hands. Keep telling the complainer, “It sounds like you and he (or she) have a lot to talk about.” You might even offer to set up a meeting between the two of them. This will clearly show them that you choose not to get involved with their complaining power struggle.

5 - Excuse Poor Performance. Excuse poor performance is the past tense version of remove responsibility. Both are about being let off the hook. When someone complains to remove responsibility, they tell you why they are not going to do something you ask, or they are going to fail —and it’s not their fault. When someone complains to excuse poor performance, they have already failed and are complaining to justify what happened—and, as before, it’s not their fault.

Examples: “I know I said I’d bring home salad stuff, but I got caught up at work in some of my coworkers last minute nonsense, and it just made me forget."

What they’re saying is: I'm blaming my forgetfulness on something unrelated, but if you buy it, I'm off the hook.

A person complaining to excuse their poor performance has already messed up or not doing something you’ve asked. If you start asking, Well, why didn't you think of this? Or, Why didn’t you plan for that?” he or she is just going to defend their poor performance with more complaints. Instead, ask,

“How do you plan to improve next time?” This removes their defenses and opens them up to making plans to do better in the future.

Whether you started the 21 day no complaint challenge or not, did you recognize some of your go-to complaints as I described the five different types? When you complain, are you trying to get attention or create a connection with another person? Are you removing responsibility by coming up with a preemptive excuse? Inspire envy or brag with your knowledge and discernment? Perhaps increase your power or bring someone over to your way of thinking? Or lastly, when you complain, are you excusing a poor performance instead of apologizing and asking how you can remedy the situation.

In any case, whether you are the complainer or you are stuck in a conversation with a chronic complainer, you now have the where with all to ask one of these five questions to turn the complaint around. Those questions are:

What do you like about (whatever the complaint is)?

“If it were possible, how might you do it?”

“You seem to know a lot about (whatever they are complaining about), what’s the coolest trend you’ve seen in (whatever they’re complaining about)?

“It sounds like you and he (or she) have a lot to talk about.”

And lastly, “How do you plan to improve next time?”

I love that last one, “How do you plan to improve next time?” That’s one of my favorite coaching questions!

I’m Liz Moser, a Mayo Clinic and National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and thank you for reading this blog on why we complain or what benefits we derive from complaining. If you have any questions about this video, health, and wellness, or wellness coaching with me, please reach out via my website at lizmosercoaching.com.