Apr 20

Apr 20 Proximity vs. Connection

Last week after dinner, Dan and I went for a drive around our neighborhood. As the sunset, my neighbors turned on their lights, and I could see into their homes.

First, I remarked how everyone was home, how unusual that is yet, now, of course, it’s the new temporary normal.

Then I started noticing the TVs.

House after house with the TV on. One larger home had 3 TVs tuned to different channels. One on each floor.

Finally, I noticed one home, one out of many, where the couple was sitting by candlelight eating dinner.

I was so excited, I said, “Oh look, Dan! They’re having a sweet date night together!” He shook his head and said, “Yeah, that’s nice, Liz.” Ha!

That couple facing each other, eating together was the significant exception, not the rule.

OK, so in this video/post, I want to explore the difference between proximity and connection. I suggest that just because you are currently in proximity all day, week, month-long with your family doesn’t necessarily mean you are experiencing or creating genuine connections with your loved ones. And it’s essential for your wellbeing not take that for granted. Relationships are like gardens; they need tending or weeds crop up.

One way to nurture your relationship garden, to create a deep connection in my very humble, non-judgmental opinion, is to turn off the TV. Even if it’s just for one hour per day, or for the brave and daring maybe one full day per week.

Then,

Smile while making some eye contact. So easy, right?

Next step: Eat a meal together or maybe read to each other or talk about a class or a book you are exploring. Dan and I are taking the Coursera Yale course the Science of Well-being. It creates something interesting to talk about other than the scary elephant in the room, the COVID-19 virus.

And, while you are engaging with each other,

listen with your heart: Be present when your family speaks instead of planning what you will say or what advice you will give. Ask ‘what’ questions such as:

What went well today?

Or,

What did you do today that you’re proud of?

Or,

What are you looking forward to?

And for bonus points don't move on when you get the answer ask:

Tell me more?

Then, when it’s your turn to share, be authentic: Practicing authenticity means being vulnerable. We model vulnerability by expressing our fears, sadness, and anxiety while hopefully coming from a place of, “I don’t need you to fix me, but I want you to see me.”

And for even more bonus connection points. Ha!

Actively Love: Practice doing things for people that demonstrate you love them. What sweet action can you do for them? I try to remember to ask Dan if he wants another coffee when I'm making some tea.

Lastly:

I’m not the TV police! It was a constant companion of mine from Sesame Street to The Brady Bunch to Friends to Game of Thrones. So, I’m no one to judge.

That said, between January 1st and March 10th of this year, I abstained entirely from TV, and it was transformative. (If interested in the details, please watch my videos: Namaste Challenge, Four Weeks Later and Kinder in 10 Weeks)

The most salient way it improved my life was how it deepened my relationship with my partner Dan, (and that’s no small feat because we’ve lived happily together for 14 years.)

The simple action of sitting in front of each other, eating dinner, then picking a relaxing activity to do together after our meal, changed our relationship for the better. Now I’m committed to limiting my TV to one movie date night per week.

Truthfully, four weeks ago, when we started social distancing, my first thought was, “How am I going to get through this without TV? There’s NO way!”

Well, I am getting through it. It is possible.

TV creates proximity to your loved ones. You're next to them on the sofa or in the same room; however, chances are it’s not necessarily promoting heartfelt connection.

In sum, you create a deep connection with your loved ones with eye contact, smiling, listening, sharing, being vulnerable, and laughing at each other’s dumb jokes and silly ways. TV promotes a connection with fictional characters, not a relationship with your loved ones. I’m inviting you to invest your time in creating a more nourishing connection with the people you love most in the world and not mistake proximity for moments of connection.

So, let me ask you:

How are you promoting connection with the people you live with and with your loved ones that you can’t physically visit?

How has social distancing both enhanced and put a strain on your connection to your loved ones?

And lastly,

What is your current TV viewing habit? If it’s more than you want, are you spurred on to commit to turning your TV off for 1 hour a day or one day per week? Please share your commitment with all of us!

I’m looking forward to reading your responses and learning from all of you. I hope you have a wonderful week filled with deep, meaningful, enriching connections with your friends and loved ones.

Thanks for reading this blog and if you have any questions about this blog, or if you have any questions about health and wellness or wellness coaching with me, please contact me through my website at lizmosercoaching.com